Posted by: Splosher | 27/06/2010

Oat-bran – a mixture just too far

I have the unenviable task of having to do my weekly shop with my brother since I crashed and wrote off my own car late last year and as we both usually rub each other up the wrong way, this single forced jaunt can cause friction. I’m indebted to him really as it makes my life so much easier and saves me a small fortune in taxi fares, so to sound like I’m complaining isn’t really my intention at all as I’m completely grateful for his help. The problem is our personalities clash, which is probably due to the fact we both know we have no alternative to our every-seven-days brotherly trip, and either I’ll end up annoying him – or as in this example from our latest escapade – he’ll manage to annoy me with his rhetorical flummery.

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Posted in The lunacy of this mortal coil... | Tags: , , ,

Posted by: Splosher | 20/06/2010

In eBay sellers we trust

eBay and the collection of utter cretins that now dwell within its virtual confines have stripped away my very humanity over the last couple of weeks. Amid ever increasing examples of (un)intentional seller idiocy to contend with no matter where I’ve looked, I honestly believe my days on the world’s biggest auction site are now numbered. As I actually run eBay sites for a living and have done so for the last 5 years, the above statement is tantamount to making myself unemployed and back in the bosom of Job Seekers Allowance, which is not the most ideal situation I grant you. However, I feel I have the insight and understanding of selling and buying on eBay as a whole to comment upon some recent examples of moronic traders I’ve had to deal with within this silicon-based market place.

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Posted by: Splosher | 08/06/2010

Teen forced to marry Cow after sex!

The headline says it all, really. Yep, it’s an unbelievable but apparently true story from the newspaper, Jakarta Globe. We are informed that a young man of 18 by the name of Ngurah Alit was caught naked having sex with a Cow in a paddy field  near to Jembrana, then tried to excuse his actions by blaming the heifer for flirting with him!

Things got a lot worse for this inter-species Lothario because in order to cleanse the village of his bestial transgression, the poor lad was forced to wed the animal before his neighbours, Police and interested journalists. It all seems to have been a little too much for Ngurah Alit though as he ended up collapsing at the ceremony due to the stress and embarrassment of his new-found infamy. And if you think it couldn’t get any worse, then just don’t ask what happened to the Cow…

Here’s the complete article over at the Jakarta Globe:

http://www.thejakartaglobe.com/static/national/380095.html

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Posted by: Splosher | 20/05/2010

Tories + Lib-Dems = ?


Post-Election Coalition: blue and yellow makes…? So, after almost a week of electoral wrangling, unelected puppet masters twanging strings and a confused populace trying to understand the election result, we the voters have ended up with a newly-formed British Government that takes the shape of a Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition. Obviously this is a political compromise of gigantic proportions, with a fragile balance undertaken by all concerned under the repeated media mantra of “It’s for the good of the country” to paper over the cracks that exist on the left-of-centre and the right-of-centre of both parties; an experimental aegis granted which, fingers crossed, can at least attempt to stem Britannia’s monetary haemorrhaging and halt our national deficit (thanks for the last 13 years, Gordon and all the best, mate!).

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Posted by: Splosher | 09/05/2010

Walking and dogs: ready for a workout?


Now we have some better weather across the UK, due to spring whistling in and pushing out the worst winter of the last thirty years, and so with this warmer arrival, I’ve decided to take advantage and embark upon daily walks to my workplace rather than use my bike. As I usually whizz along some farm lanes to save time and cut the frenetic early morning cycling to a minimum, having a nice leisurely stroll along these lanes – which skirt a local country park called Tandle Hills – with my camera in tow to capture the awakening flora and fauna seemed like the perfect addition to creating a stress-free day. Well, this was the original idea but in practice things haven’t really panned out as intended and that’s all down to our canine friends and their many forms: whether that form takes the appearance of small and cuddly or huge and f**king frightening, there’s one constant I’m sure of; I despise all shapes and sizes of every barking, bleeding dog.

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Posted by: Splosher | 28/04/2010

Halifax Bank’s Radio Station: feeling a little queasy


I’ve been feeling peculiar recently and it has taken some time to pinpoint the cause of my unsettled equilibrium due to untimely oral and rectal emissions intruding into my life. The symptoms appeared to come and go at random: from waves of nausea accompanied with rises of sickly bile, through intense bowel excavations of rumbling wind, to hot fevers that rendered me void of energy and coated in a sheen of fop sweat. I was at a loss to find a common denominator for these instigated troubles until, by chance, one day while watching TV, I found these feelings washing over my being during an ad break. So, I waited for the next showing of what I thought was the culprit and lo and behold, another viewing resulted in my body being wracked once again with violent upheaval and I’d found the cause of my televisual discomfort: it was all the fault of Halifax Bank’s latest set of TV ads, churning out their aural dross and banal flummery in the hope hilarity ensures (it doesn’t).

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Posted in TV, film & media slops | Tags: , , ,

Posted by: Splosher | 20/04/2010

Obama Bin Laden? Welcome to the Mail Online’s Typo…


Noticed this name error last weekend (it’s dated the 16th April), while reading the free online version of the UK paper The Daily Mail; basically the headline had created a confused amalgam of the USA’s first black President’s Christian name and the USA’s number one Al-Qaeda terrorist’s surname name. Feeling helpful and noticing the story had only just been put online, I decided to inform the cretin who’d written the piece by submitting the first comment to the story:

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Posted in Web stories of wonderment | Tags: , , ,

Posted by: Splosher | 12/04/2010

The General Election: a Red turning Blue?


Across the UK, we are now within the final countdown to the 2010 governmental General Election – which will take place on May the 7th – and we all get to flex our democratic choices by using our five-yearly voting extravaganza to usher in a real change in policy in the form of red, blue or, in the event of a long shot, yellow. So, either it’ll be the same old garbage we’ve just had or a new set of morons to destroy our hopes and aspirations for the foreseeable future; either way, nothing’s going to change, we’re all going to carry on complaining about lack of money, lack of jobs and lack of freedom within our rule-restrictive society, so why even bother to vote?

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Posted by: Splosher | 01/04/2010

HSBC’s Integrity & Responsibility: What a load of old Bank…


With the vast corruption and continual bonus-greed rife within the Banking world during the last couple of years, our Capitalist masters have now decided to give themselves a publicity makeover in the hope of garnering our lost confidence. This development can only mean one thing: our weary eyes assaulted on a daily basis by newly-devised TV adverts, keen to sell us the same old themes of trust, assurance and dependability, only with a fresh lick of monetary sheen in order to divert our gaze from the real issues. Yes, it’s just another imagining of the old street-corner “cup and ball” trickster routine from eons ago, their hands swirling in a blur to confuse and fleece us of our hard-earned cash, regardless of whether we are aware of this illusion or not. Accompanying this brazen financial deception is the now socially-acceptable mantra, “Greed is good”; uttered by the main protagonist, Gordon Gecko, in Oliver Stone’s masterful Wall Street (1987), we all have these words ringing in our ears on a daily basis now as we’ve become governed by wanton thrusting, jealous grasping and unbridled selfishness, all unavoidable side-effects from stoking the insatiable furnace of Capitalism.

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Posted in TV, film & media slops | Tags: , , ,

Posted by: Splosher | 21/02/2010

A trip to the Doctors… Pt 2

I’m now a few blog entries on from when I first visited my local NHS surgery due to feeling slightly unwell with my grotesquely swollen Parotid glands – see “A trip to the Doctors… pt 1” for more details – and where my Doctor issued ultra-strong antibiotics along with scattergun, tablet-taking instructions which I strived to follow to the best of my ability: however, this proved harder than I originally thought it would be due to the baffled state of my everyday thought processes. This memory confusion arose within just one day of ingesting the small, red-coated Milpharm tablets and almost immediately they reduced me to a gibbering, sweat-soaked sociopath liable to instantly explode in an antibiotic-induced fury of magnificent proportions.

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