Posted by: Splosher | 22/12/2010

Dental plan

Last week sometime, I had to pop and do some shopping into my local supermarket and so, after a protracted time spent fondling nets of Satsumas and trying to decipher the ‘best before’ dates on half cucumbers and round lettuces, a sit down at my local cafe seemed the perfect remedy. Finding an empty table inside, I ordered a cup of coffee and a bacon butty from the young girl behind the counter and then sat down to peruse the morning paper I’d picked-up while shopping. As I begin to scan the pages, I became aware of two lads sat just across from me and they epitomised the appearance of the poverty-stricken youth of today: each was wearing a dark, hooded jacket, shell bottoms and trainers, with shaven heads finishing off the look. They must have been aged in their late teens or early twenties at a push and one of them was telling a profanity-laden story whilst the other one listened, nonchalantly.

Lad 1: (playing with a lighter while speaking) Well the thing is, right, I ain’t got a f*ckin’ dentist or owt, yeah…

Lad 2: (nodding along as he messed about on his mobile ‘phone) I know, neither have I, can’t get one anywhere –

Lad 1: Unless you can pay –

Lad 2: (glancing up, then returning to the ‘phone’s screen) F*ck that! I’ll never pay for anything the dole’s supposed to cover!

Lad 1: Right, I’ll never pay either and that’s what went wrong the other day with me n Chadders…

Lad 2: Chadders? He’s working though, in’t he?

Lad 1: Yeah, he is and that’s what f*cked everything up to start with, see –

The girl from behind the counter brought their orders over and plopped the plates down on to the Formica tabletop before each of them: Lad 1 was having a sausage and egg muffin and Lad 2 looked to be about to eat an egg and bacon roll. They mumbled to the girl, watched her walk away and then turned to one another and both nodded their approval in regards to her appearance.

Lad 2: (opening the roll and picking up the brown sauce) How did Chadders’ f*ck things up then? Don’t surprise me though ‘cause he’s a dick…

Lad 1: (lifting the muffin’s top and looking at the sausage and egg) Yeah I know he’s a bit of a dick –

Lad 2: (butting in) No, not a bit of a dick, he’s a f*cking dick!

Lad 1: (dropping the muffin down and trying to change tact) Yeah… anyway, I broke a filing eating some dry roasted nuts last week and when I called around, I couldn’t get any dentist to see me ’cause of being on benefits, yeah…?

Lad 2: (picking-up his roll and answering before taking a bite) Right, f*ck’s chance I know…

Lad 1: So, I got Chadder’s NHS card off him to get my tooth fixed for free –

Lad 2: (chewing and swallowing his mouthful of bacon and egg roll) You borrowed his NHS card? Right, yeah can see that working alright – free stuff and all under a dick’s name!

Lad 1: Yeah, that’s what i thought and when i picked the card up, Chadder’s said there’d be no problem getting away with it, so I went to the dentist he told me to go to, right…

Lad 2: (his second mouthful tackled as he nodded along) Well, it sound’s foolproof to me, except I know what a dick Chadders is, so something must have gone wrong, somewhere…

Lad 1: (shaking his head) I get in there, give the card over and explain what’s happened to my tooth and the woman there behind the counter tells me to take a seat. A bit later, I’m called through for a quick x-ray of my mouth and then told to go back to the waiting room. Then, the dentist appeared –

Lad 2: (cutting in) Bloke or bitch?

Lad 1: Bloke…

Lad 2: (taking a third bite of his roll with a disappointed look on his face) Oh…

Lad 1: He tells me to go through and sit down in that f*cking torture chair they use, so I hop onto it, lean back and open my mouth. I’m thinking, “Yes, free f*cking dental!” as this dentist fella is prodding and poking in my mouth at my knackered tooth, when all of a sudden, in walks this nurse –

Lad 2: Worth a toss…?

Lad 1: (nodding) Oh yeah, worth spilling a thimble full over, no doubt about it…

Lad 2 nodded along in appreciation and then took another bite of his rapidly disappearing roll.

Lad 1: … anyway, she walks over to the dentist and opens a folder up to show him something and then all everything goes tits f*cking up!

Lad 2: (squinting as he tries to hurry swallowing his fourth mouthful) Eh?! Why, what happened?

Lad 1: (shaking his head and starting to laugh) The dentist comes back over with the nurse, whose got this folder open still and he looks again in my mouth, turns to the folder and then back to me and says, “We know you’re not Mr. Chadwick from your x-ray, so can you explain what you think you’re doing here?”

Lad 2: (bursting out laughing at this) Bollocks! Oh my God, what the f*ck did you say?!

Lad 1: I didn’t say owt, I just jumped up and legged it out of the room and through the reception! I went straight onto the main road, spitting f*cking cotton balls out of mouth as I went and still wearing one of those blue paper bib things around my neck, with the dentist shouting after me, “I’ll find out who you are, Sonny!”.

Lad 2: (barely able to breath and having to put the last bit of his roll on the plate) No f*cking way! Hahahaha…

Lad 1: (finally picking-up his muffin) Yeah, unbelievable or what?! I had to tell Chadders to keep his f*cking mouth shut or else, but you know what he’s like –

Lad 2: Yeah, he’s a dick, so he’ll manage to f*ck something up along the way –

Lad 1: (lifting up his muffin to his mouth) Right, a complete dick –

Lad 1 then took a bite from his sausage and egg muffin, which squirted out a long line of liquid yellow yolk onto his plate and simultaneously, he let out a yell.

Lad 1: ARGHH, SH*T!!!

Lad 2: (looking surprised) For f*ck’s sake, what’s wrong?!

Lad 1 put the muffin back on his plate and slid it into the middle of the table.

Lad 1: (sounding in pain) It’s my f*cking tooth, isn’t it?! I can’t eat that, do you want it or what…?

With that, Lad 2 took Lad 1’s sausage and egg muffin and sat there watching his friend rub his jaw line in discomfort before speaking.

Lad 2: I told you Chadders’ was a f*cking dick though, didn’t I…?

I left shortly afterwards, safe in the knowledge I’d found another entry for my blog.

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