Posted by: Splosher | 16/11/2010

Playing the eBay buying game, again… Pt 2

So there I was, bereft of my new Asus 1001HA laptop due to it going missing in mid-transit: a transit, I may add, that I had had to organise myself due to the seller being a complete simpleton and not having the postage money until he’d transferred my PayPal payment into his bank account many days in the future. After speaking to the lads at Interlink Express late Tuesday, I was informed again there still wasn’t any further scanning of my item in their system, so the festering hate continued to rise within me, much like a hangover’s bubbling bile rise.

This was an untenable situation as far as I was concerned and once again, I found myself writing an email to the seller, this time asking for clarification on how he’d actually packaged the laptop before it was picked-up from his address:

“I wrapped it in brown paper and then taped it around the edges, then wrote your address onto the paper. Hope this helps.”

This information was quickly shared with Interlink and this sparked off a kernel of an idea to blame this feckless twat for all the shipping ills that had befallen me: perhaps the brown paper covering the laptop with my address written upon it had been torn off in-transit? This could work in the digital eyes of the great eBay/PayPal refund God because of the seller’s complete lack of items for packaging and I had the incriminating emails to revel in. I sent him a message hinting at this state of affairs, sure he’d be beholden to my immense glory and he replied soon after:   

“Er, don’t think so mate! You insisted on sending a courier service to pick the laptop up instead of waiting for me to send it, so if the computer’s gone missing then it’s no-one’s fault but your own!”

His attitude was the icing on my f**king cake for that particular day and I retired, forlorn and crushed by all the clashed tangents I’d had to ride during yet another chaotic eBay purchase. As I lay in bed and tried to drift off into the land of nod, the realisations of this latest fiasco slowly dawned on me and no matter how many Sheep were counted, my sleep refused to arrive because of the following salient facts:

1)      I was dealing with a shaved Ape;

2)      This shaved Ape didn’t possess the basic skills to deal on eBay, let alone society in general;

3)      And because I was dealing with a shaved Ape, I’d had to get his sold item collected with my courier service, resulting in the loss of what-was-now my item and not covered by extra insurance;

4)      Oh bollocks…

I woke up on Wednesday morning after a sleepless night, stinking like a hog’s balls due to my mounting stress levels and blighted by my immediate future of trying to salvage something from this latest online disaster. I turned on my computer, only to find an unexpected email waiting for me from the seller:

“Just checked the tracking number for the laptop online and it’s been found and is on its way to you today! That’s good news, eh?”

It was good news, indeed. With this confirmation, the invisible bastard sat astride my back stoking the fury had been placated slightly and I could begin to re-focus my energies, away from imagining torturing the seller until his bowels lapsed and he was screaming for a quick end in his own filth to just maybe lopping off one of his knees with axe.  Ah, stress can make you smile sometimes, can’t it…?!

So, that was that mess sorted out and a couple of hours later, the Asus laptop turned up on my doorstep and all was well in the land of The Boiling Rage for the next 24 hours or so. My external DVD drive was attached and Windows XP installed, albeit with some disc shuffling due to a previously unknown faulty laser issue, then it was time for the Asus drivers’ disc to input its goodies. Off it went, spinning and inputting all the important stuff needed for the laptop to function correctly and I was feeling quite blessed with good luck for once during this entire glitch-filled buying experience, when suddenly reality kicked me up the arse. All drivers had installed, bar the wireless card’s one and this was the one item that was stated as being a replaced piece of silicon in the laptop’s original eBay description.

Off with the emails to the laptop-selling moron yet again, explaining the WI-FI issue with the machine and asking if he had any idea why the Asus disc was having trouble finding the right driver; a few hours later came his first response:

“Oh, I don’t really know why the driver’s aren’t going in. As I said in the description, the laptop had a new wireless card installed and since then I’ve never had a problem with it.”

Now, I’m not exaggerating the next part of this story but believe me when I tell you that our back-and-forth emailing continued all day, through the night and into the following morning as I tried to get to the bottom of why this wireless card would not take its Asus driver. I tried to cover every possible avenue and each available possibility with this cretin but I was unable to garner anything other than the usual rhetorical dross.

It worked fine when I sent it out.”

This communication problem was compounded by his insistence to relay messages through eBay, thus having any hyperlinks or address covertly deleted before the message reached my side: so, he was sending valid and important info to me, eBay were trimming the content and I was beginning to explode because I thought he wasn’t supplying me with the relevant details needed!

I’d virtually reached the point of no return and had re-wiped the laptop’s hard drive ready to re-box it and send the thing back to one of the greatest ball-drainers I’d ever had the misfortune to liaise with. Finally in a last throw of the dice – after about 30 emails between us and insurmountable furious anger (on my side) – I went to my actual email box, found his actual email address and sent an actual f**king message to him outside the listening post that is eBay. When I eventually received the unedited message through, I could have cleansed the prick of his useless f**king existence and if he’d had been close-by, I’d be sat in a cell right now, lapping up a life sentence for murdering a useless c**t:

“The wireless card is a replacement for the actual Asus one in order for me to install the ‘Hackintosh’ Apple Mac operating system and as such, the driver’s aren’t on the supplied disc but here’s the link to get them.”

Yes, the link worked and I got the drivers for an entirely unrelated wireless card that had been fitted without any mention of doing so in the actual laptop’s eBay description, an unbelievable over sight by this f**kwit of a seller. Once installed, I had a successful WI-FI signal and a bargain Asus laptop which had saved me a couple of hundred quid, but at the cost of my short-term health due to the instigation of my Boiling Rage implosion. Needless to say, I never replied to his email out of pure disgust, I never left him feedback (even though he deserved a million negatives) and have blocked this particular seller from buying anything off any of the eBay sites I run for a living.

Now all I need to do is win the lottery so I can hire a hit man to flush this human effluence down the shitter of life for the betterment of all and I’ll be back to my usual twisted, hate-drenched self in no time, so fingers’ crossed…


  1. Excellent piece of writing, l quite agree with your submission. I will subscribe to your rss to keep up.

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